Emotional Journey
by Chaos in the Moonlight
Summary: Thorin's company is ready to start their journey to Erebor, but there is tension amongst the dwarves. Fili is trying to do what he does best; keep things balanced and calm while inside he's splitting apart. Thorin's reaction to seeing him again is exactly what he'd been fearing, and should his uncle's stubbornness overrule his heart, Fili's not sure what will become of his own.
1. Chapter 1 - Bag End & the Beginning

Warnings: implied incest, dwarfcest. Durincest

Written for my Hurt/Comfort prompt - Emotion

EMOTIONAL JOURNEY

Chapter 1 – Bag End and the Beginning of the Journey

Fili spent the first half of their journey to Bag End trying to keep Kili moving forward when he insisted on stopping to touch, smell, and examine every form of animal, fowl or fauna in their path. He was relentless in his passion and exuberance, something Fili had always envied in him and made him proud to be his brother. Kili was fearless, unassuming, naive at times and blunt as the dullest knife in the forge. His heart was also as big as any mountain, and Fili adored him. He was Fili's other half, the dark to Fili's light, the spark to Fili's calm, but his excessive curiosity was certainly an encumbrance when they were supposed to be getting from one point to the next.

The second half of their travels saw Fili trying to tamp down the overwhelming excitement and relentless chatter Kili forced upon him as they neared their destination. Truth be told, Fili was secretly relieved for the distraction that was, and had always been, his little brother. His own nerves were threatening to revolt, so close to burrowing through his skin to see the light, to wreak havoc on his outsides as they did his insides, that Fili wasn't sure he wouldn't just tumble to the ground in a writhing mass of anxiety.

Kili kept his mind occupied so he didn't have to consider the steely, on-edge anticipation that was about so much more than their uncle's quest. It was an important task, to say the least, but in Fili's thoughts it came a struggling second to seeing Thorin again.

He felt foolish in thought and clumsy in action as they finally found their way into Hobbiton in search of the mysterious mark on one of the hobbits' doors. Kili bounced on ahead, stumbling here and there in the darkness while Fili sought to keep his own excitement and worries compressed. Kili found the door first, not even bothering to open the tiny white gate but vaulting its height instead while barely managing to avoid trampling an entire row of flowers. It was not the way Fili had intended their arrival to be.

Fili hissed out a warning, summoning Kili to his side with a well-practiced furl of his lip and quirk of his eyebrow. "Relax, brother," he spoke softly while they paused outside the green door. "You'll want to make a good impression, won't you? Remember, we're among the youngest to be present, and we don't want to cause Uncle any undue shame or embarrassment."

Kili groaned and Fili was sure he was close to stomping his feet as he'd done so often as a young dwarfling when he didn't get his way or life just moved too slow for him. He grinned when Kili finally leaned in for a brief but desperate hug, then let out a big whoosh of breath.

"All right. I'm ready."

When they rang the bell, Kili's face was stone cold sober and Fili barely smothered a smirk at the ridiculous seriousness of his little brother's usual carefree demeanor. He supposed it was a sign of maturity on Kili's part but also an act of solidarity with Fili in order to make Thorin proud. It was also important to Fili to find some respectability amongst the group of dwarves who were mostly far older and experienced.

Of course, their mature respectability went straight out the window when Kili called the hobbit the wrong name. Fili held back from smacking him on the forehead. Despite their shaky arrival and the confusion of whether _it_ had been cancelled or not, they somehow still managed to forcefully—Kili's doing—push past the hobbit who did not appear the least bit happy to see them.

Fili reached deep within himself for courage to bypass the giant butterflies flapping in his belly as he strolled through the door with his usual façade of arrogance and calm. He shoved his knives at the hobbit, barking instructions he couldn't even remember twenty heartbeats later, but nonetheless thought were necessary to show some sort of status with the stranger.

Dwalin and Balin were surprisingly the first to arrive, and after disrespecting the hobbit's _glory box_ Kili quickly rushed to his hero's side. Whereas Fili had always had a single dwarf he'd emulated for his entire life, Kili's allegiances rocked back and forth from one hero to the next—with the exception of Thorin, of course—but Dwalin had always been one of his favorites. Fili slipped into the dining room behind his brother, smiling his pleasantries then helping to move tables and more importantly, to crack open a new barrel of ale.

It didn't take long for Kili to drag Fili into the dwarf festivities, and he found himself involuntarily lowering his anxious, protective guard and participating in the fun. He'd even gone as far as singing and misbehaving with his brother—he loved to sing and rarely indulged himself anymore because of a skewed sense of responsibility.

Being heir apparent had weighed heavily on Fili's shoulders ever since Thorin had started his plan to reclaim Erebor. And though it wasn't as if he was being groomed as Thorin's second yet, Fili dreamed of ruling beside him, with him, and it was high time he started gaining his own respectability.

Still it had been a relief to allow himself the freedom of just letting go for even a moment, especially since he'd felt so pent-up and impatient with himself and the thoughts that had roved his mind since they started their journey. Anticipatory worry and stress had kept him awake for the last few nights, and he was positive he was running on adrenaline alone. Yet he felt no weariness as he recklessly stomped across the table handing out ale to his fellow dwarves—and deliberately ignoring the ever-present _responsibility_ chant in his head.

He was disappointed when Thorin hadn't joined the party when they all sat down to eat, but he held his letdown close to his chest and proceeded to partake in the frivolity. He suffered a mixed bag of confused feelings really. He wanted to get his meeting with Thorin over with quickly so his nerves could settle back under his skin and he could focus on the journey's beginning. But there was also a spiral of dread coiled tightly in his gut and he worried something would go wrong. He supposed he had more time to prepare himself within the environment of the hobbit house before Thorin appeared and the real meeting began but it did little to console him.

Fili took in each member of Thorin's company as they sat and regaled each other with tales at the dining room table. They were a ragtag bunch of dwarves, many of whom Fili and Kili have never met before that very day, but as it was with most dealings of his kind, they were an easy lot to relax with and simply enjoy. He tried hard to follow the various conversations and goings-on, while the thrill and opposing dread of Thorin's expected arrival still burned a hole in his gut. When the final knock on the door alerted the company to their leader's arrival, Fili's heart pounded loudly in his ears and he felt almost lightheaded in his excitement.

Nevertheless, he hung back, as was his usual practice, one eye on Kili at all times despite the warm friendliness of those around them. Kili, of course, rushed to greet Thorin, and the sweet smile their uncle graced on his brother sent an unusual streak of green envy straight to Fili's heart. It was silly to feel such a thing when Thorin had always been a big part of both their lives, and whether Fili's heart was fulfilled in the end or not, always would be.

Thorin handed his cloak to Kili as he concentrated on his first words with Mr. Baggins. Fili quickly scurried up behind Kili to take it from his arms, carrying it as if it was precious cargo down the hobbit's hallway. He left Thorin's enthralling presence long enough to deposit the cloak safely in a corner of the great room, but not before he thumbed slowly across the collar and allowed himself to breathe in Thorin's scents which mingled on the fabric.

He returned to find Thorin and the others gathered around the dining room table. His gaze casually slipped to Thorin as he wiggled and squeezed himself to the back of the table where Kili has saved him a chair. But Thorin hadn't paid him any heed, his focus on a bowl of soup in front of him and the soft murmurs of Gandalf who hovered close at his side. Fili's spirits plummeted with his uncle's lack of attention, but he quickly chastised himself for putting so much emphasis on himself when there were far bigger things to be discussed and attended to.

Fili's attempt to contribute to the conversation went over well the first time, his voice strong and his heart true as he slapped his hand on the table.

"_We may be few in numbers. But we're fighters, all of us! To the last dwarf."_

He'd immediately looked to Thorin for a reaction to what he'd thought had been a firm show of solidarity and powerful statement to his commitment. There'd been none, and Fili's next announcement—_"If there is a _key, _there must be a door"_ sounded like nothing more than musings of a foolish dwarfling than the revelations of an heir apparent. Kili had quickly piped up with his own observation, and to Fili's silent delight, it was more juvenile than what Fili had offered.

He gazed adoringly at his brother for a moment, knowing with no doubt that Kili's over-shadowing presence was often a mixed blessing. Kili was endearing to a fault, and Fili wouldn't have wished for any other dwarf to hold such an important role in his life. He wondered if that statement would always remain true. They would both—Aule willing—eventually find their _Ones,_ but Fili hoped Kili would always be no more than a room away in his life, or a single royal wing away in the very least.

When he dragged his focus from Kili's joyous face, Fili was certain he caught the blink of Thorin's eyes in his direction. The king quickly looked away, but the glance displayed an unpleasant shadow on Thorin's face as he peered down at the table. Fili wondered if his scowl was one of disappointment toward Fili or just the result of an exhausting day for Thorin. Nevertheless, he sat up straighter in his chair, moving so he wasn't slouched into Kili's side, but rather mirroring his uncle's majestic pose.

He was gifted with no more passing looks from Thorin, nor did he seek out his uncle's gaze. When the time was right Thorin would greet him in his own gruff way, and Fili would be proud to have been patient.

That time never came.

Instead, as Fili made his way through the house, he overheard Thorin speaking with Balin about miners, toy makers, warriors and the like. Thorin hesitated when Balin asked about his time in the Blue Mountains over the past year and Fili paused to eavesdrop.

"To be honest, I wasn't there long. It was uninspiring," he said. "It was a pleasure to see my sister, as always, but the rest of my time was spent in frustration with my nephews' lack of progress in their training. Perhaps it just came to me how young they actually are to be heading out on such a expedition."

Fili was confused. Thorin had been in Ered Luin for nearly eight months, and he'd certainly not spent his time in frustration or disappointment…at least as far as Fili was concerned. As for inspiration and his youthfulness, Fili wasn't sure if he should be offended or try to strike the personal connotation from his mind.

"Aye, laddie. They are not as young as all that. And what of their skills? Does Kili still wield the bow?"

Thorin huffed out a breath and Fili could almost picture him shaking his head while he contemplated Kili and his weapon of choice. "I dare say the boy is an excellent shot, but you'll not hear me admit such a thing to him, lest he get a bigger head than he already has."

They laughed in that relaxed manner old friends have and Fili found himself smirking at the context of Thorin's remark. He was just about to leave the two dwarfs to their catching up when Balin asked his next question.

"Your nephews have grown into fine young dwarfs, though I'm happy to see they didn't inherit your ugly mug or grumpiness."

Thorin's laugh rumbled deep in his chest, striking a chord very deep in Fili's chest that curled and twined through the rest of his body. He shuddered but quickly contained himself.

After a moment or two, Balin coughed out his last chuckle before clearing his throat. "Do they have any prospects yet—the lads? To go about producing a Durin heir for the future I mean? It seems unlikely you'll be having one of your own, since I know which way the wind blows for you. I suppose I'd assumed Fili or Kili would carry the bloodline into the next century."

"They're both still young but there are indefinite plans to include Dain's niece in the consideration of producing an heir. Fili is the obvious choice since he's first in succession, and if we keep it somewhat in the family, it will establish a bond with Dain's folk and hopefully evoke some loyalty directed back at us. Dain is not my favorite dwarf at the moment for his refusal to join the quest, but for the better good, I can bow to his callousness."

A sharp stab of pain resonated with Fili's next four or five heartbeats. He slumped down the wall, his head dropping to his chest as he wound his arms around his waist. His thoughts whirled to whether he might have mistaken Thorin's words. Perhaps he'd meant to say Kili in his answer or was merely speaking without thought after his long journey. He had mentioned he'd been lost twice in search of Bilbo's house, so that spoke volumes in the revelation of how near exhaustion he undoubtedly was.

"And yourself, Thorin? Have I spoken out of turn in assuming you haven't found your _One_ after all these years alone?"

"Hope never dies, my friend. Perhaps one day I'll have an heir of my own. One never knows these things, do they?"

Fili shoved up from the floor, using a nearby chair for leverage as he steadied himself on wobbly legs. He pulled his fur collar tighter together, feeling a sudden chill that struck deep in his bones. After squaring his shoulders and forcibly assuming his relaxed saunter, four steps took him around the corner to where Thorin and Balin reclined on two separate wooden benches across the alcove from one another. Despite the cloud of dread that hazed his mind and roiled his belly, he stopped in between the two dwarfs, summoning his best casual grin and bowing his head in respect.

"Balin. Thorin. Might I fetch you some more ale or, perhaps, red wine from the pantry?" He was pleased his voice remained calm unlike the shaky pain that stung him to the core.

"Thank you kindly, Fili," Balin replied. "I believe I'll just retire to the fire with my pipe though. Good evening, my friends."

Fili dipped his head again as Balin lifted up slowly from the bench, taking a moment to arch his back before stepping from the alcove.

"Uncle? Might we have a word in private? I've not had the chance to ask you about your journey thus far." Fili smiled adoringly at Thorin, but his uncle remained stoic and sober.

"Is your mother well, Fili?"

"Yes, she's quite well, though she was unhappy with Kili's and my departure."

Thorin nodded, his hair falling forward like a curtain hiding his face, streaks of silver shining brightly in the light of the lanterns. "Yes, I gathered she would not be the image of acceptance to have her dwarflings leave the nest."

"With all due respect, Uncle. I'm no longer a dwarfling, and if anyone should be privy to that fact it would be you."

Thorin lifted his head but displayed no reaction to what Fili had hoped would be a lighthearted attempt to open a more intimate line of communication between them. Instead, he pushed off the bench and rose so he stood tall and beautiful, mere inches from Fili's face. His hot breath tingled against Fili's skin and Fili struggled not to lean in and press their lips together.

"I picked up some extra supplies for you and Kili. We'll sort them out in the morning. I trust you and he have found a place to bed down for the night."

Fili stumbled on his words. "I had...had hoped we could be near you tonight since we've not see you for a few months." He'd never felt such apprehension in speaking his mind with Thorin before and it sent that same thread of nervousness spiking through him.

"I've no plans to sleep this evening, but you and your brother need your rest. We've a long journey ahead of us and neither of you have experienced being on the road before."

"With all due respect, Kili and I traveled here without incident."

Thorin's eyes narrowed but Fili was certain he saw a steely sadness behind the scowl. "There is no comparison of the two, Fili. You've not gained experience simply by traveling from your mother's arms to Hobbiton. I need you both at your best come morning, so find somewhere to rest for the night as I've instructed."

With a thick swallow, Fili nodded. "As you wish."

Thorin made no move to touch Fili even though Fili had witnessed him share different levels of contact with everyone in the tiny hobbit house including Kili. He reached out and softly gripped Thorin's forearm in a simple show of welcome—and a hopefully hidden desperation to touch him—but Thorin stepped quickly away. Fili contained the gasp that rose up from the very depths of his soul when Thorin turned his back and stepped past him.

The room was suddenly closing in on Fili, the air heavy and smothering. He needed to step out, to breath, to gather his whirling feelings. And since those were the only thoughts that made any kind of sense in his head, that's exactly what he did.

Kili's eyes were closed when Fili crawled into the bedroll beside him a few hours later. He'd shed his boots and coat by the door, not wanting to wake anyone with his rattling about since the house was stone cold silent. Kili stirred when Fili finally settled himself on the floor, pulling the blanket up to his chin as he lay flat on his back.

"Where were you?" Kili rolled to his side, propping his head on one hand as he gazed sleepy-eyed at Fili.

Fili should have known his brother wouldn't doze off without being sure he was safe.

"You missed the song. You know the one Uncle always sang to us when we were small. I know how much you love it, but when I looked around you were nowhere about."

"I took a walk," Fili replied quietly. He moved to roll away from Kili but was stopped by warm fingers cupping his jaw. He looked up into the deepness of Kili's eyes again. "Go to sleep, brother. Tomorrow is a day of new beginnings."

Kili thumbed over Fili's jaw before moving his hand back. "He has a lot on his mind, an entire company and kingdom in fact."

Fili closed his eyes and attempted to shut out his rattling thoughts as well as his brother's insistent need to talk. What he really didn't want was Kili attempting to speak logically...and it was such a rare turn about of roles. "I'm sleeping, Kili. I suggest you do the same."

"Has that ever worked for you before, Fee?"

"What is it you wish me to say?" He felt Kili settle beside him, one arm draped over Fili's chest as he snuggled in close.

"The truth as you've always spoken it, as you've always taught me. I've been by your side forever and I know when your heart is aching."

"My heart has ached for a long time. Today is no different than any other day."

"But it is. Things are not the same after what the two of you shared. Out of anyone in the world, it is you who should know what he is like and how his focus is rarely on one thing at a time."

"I don't wish for his focus."

Kili lay his hand flat over the rapid pounding inside Fili's chest. "Perhaps not, but you wish for his heart."

"I only want him to accomplish that which he needs in order to make him happy and have contentment in his own heart."

"At the cost of your own."

"I've paid no price to love him, Kili. It's simply been a part of me for as long as I can remember, and if the time I've spent with him is all I'm ever allotted, at least I had that much. Can we rest now?"

Kili sighed heavily against Fili but he, of course, wasn't finished. "I have faith in the two people I love most. It's only been one day. You'll still rule Erebor together and I'll never have to lift a sword or anything else ever again because of my esteemed position as brother and nephew."

Fili thumped Kili on the back of the head but smirked into the darkness. He pulled the blanket up around them, entwined his fingers with Kili's over his chest, then closed his eyes again.

He believed what he said. He had no entitlement to Thorin. Not all those who found their _One_ had their feelings returned. It wouldn't be the first time fate was cruelly mistaken.

The taste of Thorin on his lips, the touch of his strong fingers on Fili's body, the sparkle of adoration in his blue eyes—the depths of which Fili would have been happy to drown in—would remain with Fili for his lifetime, and if need be, he could use the memories to keep him company in his heartache.

Thorin paused only a few feet away from where his nephews lay huddled together in a lonely corner of the hobbit house. As always there was peace in their slack faces and smooth skin as they lay together. He often envied the closeness they shared, even in slumber.

Fili lay curled on his back with Kili's head tight against his shoulder. One of Kili's arms was wrapped loosely around Fili's waist, their fingers twisted together over Fili's heart. A mixture of light and dark hair clung to both their faces and it looked as if Kili had—once again—won the battle for the majority of the blankets.

His nephews were far beyond the age of sleeping together but it seemed so natural that Thorin couldn't imagine them any other way. Of course, that had been before Fili had assaulted him with gentle words and a heart as big as the Lonely Mountain in Ered Luin, and before a single kiss had opened his heart wide.

Thorin had viewed his nephews almost as a single being for as long as they'd been alive. It had been and still was rare to see one without the other. He'd accepted their similarities and differences as they grew, but thinking of one without the other was something he had never surmised, and he'd always doted on them as if he had some great claim to bringing them into the world. In some ways he supposed he did since he'd been the only father figure in their lives for so many years.

He'd seen them born, seen them tumble and giggle with their first steps and first falls, seen them grow closer and closer until the world around them didn't matter, didn't exist. He'd never admitted it outright, but they were his pride and joy, the proudest moments in his life. And now, Fili… Thorin bowed his head and turned back from whence he came.

Never in his wildest dreams would he have ever thought he would view one of his nephews differently from the other. They both had their excellent qualities and their admitted faults. As did any dwarf he'd ever known, and Thorin was certainly no exception to the rule.

The very realization that his feelings had changed for one of them was an arrow pointed directly to one of the flaws of his character or maybe a fallacy of his heart. The fact he'd admitted those emotions, even acted on them, made him wonder if he were truly meant or fit to be king of anyone or anything. But he'd had no regrets...at least until he'd walked into Bag End and seen Fili gaze at him with all the love he felt within his own heart.

He'd never allowed himself the comfort of regrets because he'd been convinced what had happened during his time—a time that seemed more than two lifetimes ago—with Fili would remain there; feelings, joy, love. He'd obviously attempted to disillusion himself and it had worked for the several months he'd not seen Fili or allowed himself to feel him in his heart…in his very soul.

Fili wasn't Thorin's _One_…couldn't be his _One…_because it made no sense. There was no rhyme or reason to such a coupling, such a pairing of souls, and despite the aching of his heart, Thorin just could not wrap his head around the whole idea. He loved Fili, but if the fates had intended them to be together in such a way, would Thorin's mind not agree with his heart?

It was true that not everyone felt the immeasurable pull of their soulmate, and since Thorin had known and loved Fili for the entirety of his nephew's young life, perhaps he just didn't understand what he was meant to be feeling. Fili, of course, had proclaimed Thorin to be the only one in his heart, the only one who had ever been, the only one who ever would be.

It hadn't been an easy confession for Fili, his fears clearly displayed on his face the first time he'd come to Thorin with his emotions laid bare almost a year ago. Thorin had been proud, prouder than he could ever remember, but also terrified of the meaning behind Fili's words. He'd wanted to swallow them up, keep them safe inside himself where no one could harm or threaten them.

He worried about the possibility of someone using Fili's sentiments against him because of who he was…because of who he loved and who loved him. Thorin feared being the heir apparent was enough of a target for those who muddied the waters of discourse in the dwarf community. But having the additional stigma of being the king's beloved had to add so much more to the pot for the vengeful and greedy. He couldn't put Fili in that position, wouldn't put him there for all the gold in the Misty Mountains.

He also firmly believed Fili could be misguided in his affections. Was it not possible his feelings for Thorin were simply tangled up with his search for his true love, just as Thorin was unsure how finding his i_One_/i would—should—feel? Fili needed the chance to find that perfect, devoted, inspired love he so deserved, and Thorin didn't believe he was the true, all-encompassing entity Fili needed to feel complete.

He'd been cocky in thinking he could simply resume their former relationship of nephew and uncle once they'd begun the quest, so certain that he hadn't devised any sort of plan to fall back on. The months spent with Fili in his arms, in his bed, in his heart swirled ferociously in his head as soon as he'd seen Fili at Bag End, that first simple kiss Fili had bestowed on him suddenly fresh on his lips.

It had been on the tip of his tongue to praise Fili for wrangling the dwarves when the table had erupted in accusatory voices and questions of loyalty. Fill had spoken well, choosing just the right words and emotions to garner the attention of all those present…and Thorin's heart had swelled with pride. Fili had shown that he did have the presence of mind to lead when he allowed himself to step out of the shadows. And if ever there had been a time for Thorin to tell him he was proud of him, he respected him, _he loved him_ that would have been it.

But the sentiments Thorin had wished to express got lost in the hollow fears of his mind so rather than telling his nephew he'd done well, Thorin had shoved away any and all of his emotions. In retrospect, he'd shut down his very heart in order to ignore Fili's presence—in order to deny the fact Fili had him tied up in intricate, unyielding knots.

To treat Fili in such a way had pained Thorin more than he'd ever believed it could. He'd thought he had successfully convinced himself that reverting to his usual relationship with Fili would supply him with no complications. It would be simple, satisfactory, necessary and _normal_. He'd told himself the push and pull of his heart could be easily remedied with a strong disposition and mountains of denial. Instead he'd felt loneliness and heartache that struck him deaf, dumb and blind inside, that had made his fingers tremble, his feet stumble, and his belly clench with longing.

He was aware that his words to Balin had been cruel and untrue, just as he'd known Fili had been close enough to hear them. He wasn't entirely sure how he knew, just that it had been a definitive feeling in his gut, a true awareness of Fili's nearness. Then to add insult to injury, he'd stepped away from what had obviously been Fili's attempt at some sort of contact to soothe his wounded feelings. The look on Fili's face had punctured Thorin's own heart and stolen the very breath from him when he'd forced himself to walk away.

Kili was always considered the one who wore his emotions like an ill-fitting piece of armor, while Fili was known as the quiet, strong but gentle, shield that protected his brother from the harshness of reality. But tonight Thorin had taken the entirety of Fili's shield, sent it tumbling to the stone floor where it shattered into a million pieces, and entwined in those pieces had been Thorin's own heart. The same heart many believed only beat for gold and redemption and Erebor, the same one others didn't believe he possessed at all.

Fili's confession had proved the disbelievers wrong, had shown Thorin that he did indeed have a heart and it beat and ached for his nephew. His own pronouncement of love had surprised even him, had shaken him to the very core when the words reached his own ears, but he'd denied nothing…then.

Now, however, it was up to him to gather the broken pieces of his heart. He needed to reassemble those shards then shove his badly repaired heart, and any and all of the sweeping emotions that came with it, back into the lonely cavern of his chest where it was comfortable and safe. He needed to put it back so it could do no more damage, so it—so he—couldn't hurt Fili again.


	2. Chapter 2 - Denial

Chapter 2 – Denial does not beget the truth

Thorin shook Kili awake for the third time, harder this time as he finally allowed his frustrated growl to stutter his words. The boy could sleep through a dragon attack if he was allowed.

"Kili! Wake up, boy."

His belief in Kili's ability to sleep through anything was due mostly to having Fili constantly at his side. His brother served as his own personal bodyguard against everything from taunters who made fun of his fairness, to their mother when she was looking for someone to blame for something Kili had usually been responsible for. And speaking of Fili...

"Kili, where's your brother?"

"Uncle? Why…why are you standing there? Fili's right here...or perhaps…not. He might have taken a walk as he did last night."

"Why would he take a walk when he knows we must depart?"

With a yawn that Thorin feared would swallow him up, Kili stretched his arms over his head. He set his sleepy gaze on Thorin with a tiny—obviously forced—smile. "I cannot presume to guess what's in Fili's mind, but if anyone might know his reasons it would be you."

Thorin lifted himself from his crouched position, crossing his arms over his chest as he retained his full height. "Do you wish to say something to me, sister-son?"

Kili smiled sweetly, all teeth and batty eyes. "No, Uncle. Now if you'll excuse me I'll go look for my brother." He bowed his head in respect, but not before Thorin saw the gleam in his eye.

He followed close behind Kili as he gathered up his cloak, coat, gloves and boots then headed out the door. When he'd found Fili missing from Kili 's side so early in the morning, it had struck a sour chord in Thorin's belly, and he had barely been able to wait for sunrise to question Kili.

He knew Fili wouldn't leave his brother behind under any circumstances, for any reason, but seeing the empty spot where he usually lay had been immediately worrisome. Perhaps sending them back to Ered Luin would have been the better idea after all. There would have been upset and bitterness, and it would have been a blow to the company's numbers, but Thorin didn't feel he had the extra patience or time to worry and fret after his nephews.

Of course, he was more than likely not being fair to Fili and Kili because the issue centered more around himself than them. Thorin was merely making excuses for the guilt he felt when he looked at Fili, the guilt he held in his own hands, and he knew it was his choice either to allow it to remain or to resolve it for himself. His biggest fear was that his steely determination would crumble under Fili's constant gaze and presence.

He was making his way down the tiny stone steps, watching his footsteps carefully since the hobbit's stairs were obviously not made for dwarven feet—though hobbits' feet were clearly almost as large. Kili's voice sounded out across the narrow road, and Thorin looked up in time to see him hug his brother tightly. Fili pushed him away with a snort then ruffled his hair with the endearing smile Thorin had grown to love and _need_ during those months at Ered Luin. And by Mahal, despite his denial, he needed it still.

The brothers were standing in a field just across the path from Bilbo's house, sixteen freshly readied ponies surrounding them. Thorin stared in wonder, taking a moment to search the early morning scenery for other dwarves who may have helped Fili in his task. There was no one about—dwarf, hobbit or any other species.

The only disturbance in the freshness of the early morning was his nephews speaking hushed but insistent words. When they noticed him looking their way, they silenced their voices, turning to face him. They stood side-by-side arms crossed over their chests, heads held high in a very familiar stance. Fili appeared to be gazing off into the distance while Kili glared straight at Thorin with enormous intent. Thorin could see confrontation shadowing his dark eyes. Kili was generally a bundle of positive energy, but Thorin knew his youngest nephew well enough to sense a storm brewing within his easy demeanor.

Shifting his gaze away from the boys, he took in the sight of fourteen leather packs of different sizes or varieties lined up along the wooden fence. They all appeared filled to the brim, each one resting below their respective owners' ponies. Gandalf had seen to it that all the dwarves belongings were stowed away in a tiny shed to the side of Bilbo's house, and somehow Fili had accomplished the impossible in retrieving them all, then stocking them with the provisions Thorin had brought with him. There was also one for the burglar on the off chance he would be joining them. Gandalf, of course, had kept his own things with him in the house.

Thorin knew Fili neither expected nor essentially needed commendation for his task, but recognizing him would be the honorable thing for Thorin to do. The problem lay in his own worries that his praise would result in sounding overly appreciative, and hence, give Fili the wrong impression. It would, in all fairness, be the right impression, but not the one Thorin was so set upon maintaining and trying to force himself to uphold.

He feared the journey was going to entail far greater stress than a dragon, and possibly some orcs or goblins or hostile dwarves. It might be Fili who had due cause to be upset with Thorin, but it was Kili who would be the one to watch. When Thorin's youngest nephew got his teeth into something, he rarely let go, the bow and arrow being a perfect example. And Thorin knew since Fili was involved, Kili's juvenile outlook would fall by the wayside should his brother need his protection. He would always offer support both physical or emotional to Fili, even if the enemy appeared to be their own uncle and king.

When his nephews finally made their way to where Thorin stood between the small rows of blooming flowerpots, he let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. He stuffed a trembling hand into his pocket, searching the leather pouch for his pipe, but it came away empty. His other pocket was next, the result being the same. Before he had the chance to even curse, two fingers produced the object of his search in front of his face.

Fili's warm gaze blazed through Thorin, and he hesitated while his heart beat far too rapidly against his rib cage. How had he never noticed the calm beauty of his eldest nephew, and why now of all times, must he to yearn to be closer? Images flashed through his mind of Fili kissing him, touching him, moaning beneath him as they both sought their releases.

As in all things, Fili was a generous lover, and despite his years, had managed to teach Thorin a thing or two about the art of love. He'd shown Thorin that his desires did not have to be hastily quieted, that slow and gentle were not synonymous with weakness or submission. He'd never submitted to anyone, in anything, but there had been times over the eight months of being with Fili that the thought had slid into Thorin's mind. It had been a first for him to wish the control of a situation onto someone else, especially in something as important as his body and heart. But that very way of thinking was just a small part of how Fili wrapped himself around Thorin, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

A deep, concerned frown ghosted across Fili's face and Thorin suddenly realized he'd been staring in dumbfounded silence at him.

"Uncle?"

"Apologies. My mind wanders." Of course, he couldn't tell Fili where his thoughts had actually gone, despite his very soul aching to do so.

"Your pipe," Fili said as Thorin became aware that he'd missed part of the conversation. "I found it on the table this morning..." Fili ducked his head, brushing imaginary grass or dirt from his gloves while Thorin felt his own breath hitch in his throat. "I cleaned it out. Habit I suppose."

Kili joined them just as Fili finished speaking. He slapped Fili on the back hard enough to pull a groan from his throat, as well as a curse from his lips.

"You didn't clean mine out, brother. But there's still time if you feel the need." Kili smirked and Thorin recognized the mischievous little boy who hadn't been present only moments before when he'd been glaring daggers at him from across the field.

Fili's whole body language changed with Kili's presence. "You'll be waiting a long time for that to happen, lazy arse." His smile returned when he fixed his gaze on Kili, then gave him an adoring shove. "I think I've done my share for the morning while you were keeping everyone awake with your incessant snoring."

"At least I wake up on the good side of the bed, unlike my kin who are grumpy as goblins."

"Why don't you go make sure the others are up and ready to leave. It's time we departed." Thorin fought to keep his voice even. He was anxious to have Fili to himself for a moment—a poor decision in probability, but one he sought nonetheless.

Kili bowed with the bright, cheeky grin he was known for, then scurried into the house, making enough noise to wake the dead and anyone else in the vicinity. Thorin hoped the hobbit was a sound sleeper.

Thorin turned to Fili who was shifting from foot to foot and tugging on one of his longer braids. "You didn't have to do all the readying yourself. I never expected..."

Fili shrugged and didn't let Thorin continue. "I woke early, and my restlessness wouldn't allow me to stay still any longer. I thought I might as well make myself useful."

There was an empty silence between them, only broken up with Kili's shrill laughter from inside the house followed by a hearty grunt that unmistakably belonged to Dwalin. Thorin stepped a little closer to Fili, hand poised to touch him.

"Fili, I..."

With a bow of his head identical to his brother's, Fili cut off Thorin's words. "I'll go see to my brother. You know how irresponsible he can be if he has the opportunity to bat his eyes and get his own way."

He disappeared through the hobbit's door before Thorin had a chance to stop or even touch him. He'd thought long and hard all night long about Fili and the disappointment he'd caused him, even going as far as plotting ways to hold him at bay or try to be as formal as possible in their contact. And yet…he'd just tried to touch him during a single moment together.

Perhaps Fili did cause Thorin to feel the pull of finding his _One, _but even if that were the truth, it didn't change his mind about taking Fili for himself. Nor did his love make any more sense than it had the night before. It was impossible and improbable, and he refused to risk Fili's safety…and his freedom. Threats might not occur until they'd reached Erebor and reclaimed their lost home, but any threat at all was one too many on Fili's life.

If need be, Thorin could use Kili as a buffer between himself and Fili, since Kili already seemed to hold Thorin in lower regard at the moment. It was obviously a show of respect for his brother's honor, which was respectable in itself. Thorin couldn't blame him, but that didn't mean he was too proud to use him if he served to discourage Fili's involvement between them.

Thorin wasn't entirely sure that was the case, but if Kili's reaction to Thorin this morning was any indication, he was well on his way to disapproving of him breaking Fili's heart. And there were no sweet-spoken words or fluttering brown eyes in the world that could make him believe Kili didn't know exactly what had been going on.

The mere thought of losing Fili's love, and Kili's along with it, speared pain through Thorin's chest. His heart knew Fili would never stop loving him but that did not lessen the ache or fear. He needed to strike those thoughts from his mind, mount his pony and get on with what needed to be done, get on with the quest to reclaim the home most of his kin had never known.

He stepped through the door, moving from room to room while commanding his company to mount up. The dwarves moved quickly, gathering their things and straightening up Bilbo's home. Balin was the first one to set foot outside the door, the shake then single nod of his white head assuring Thorin that the contract had not been signed, but the house was in order as it should be.

As well as being his oldest companion, Thorin had always considered Balin to be his advisor in all things, yet he'd spoken not a word to him about Fili. He supposed he could blame it on the shame of being with his own nephew, but Balin was neither judgmental nor one to gossip, and blaming his neglect on a societal adversity was preposterous. Dwarven customs neither condoned nor encouraged inter-familial couplings.

There had been a phase in Thorin's life where he'd believed Balin might be his _One,_ but nothing had ever come of their relationship since there had been no feelings or desires that swept through either one of them except friendship. It could have been easily mistaken because they'd spent so much time together, but in the end, they had always remained just dearest friends.

Thorin was ashamed for not sharing such important information with Balin. It certainly wasn't a trust issue, but perhaps more of a fear that with disclosure, also came explanation. He would have to review the situation outwardly rather than just inwardly, and he'd have to contend with more than just Fili.

He loved Fili in an all-consuming way, or at least if could have become all-consuming if he allowed it, yet he remained fearful of what exactly that meant. In his logical mind, he understood that committing himself to Fili meant less chance of continuing the line of Durin. Also, claiming Fili down when he had the world at his fingertips seemed far more selfish than selfless, and he feared the additional burden of responsibility as consort would become more of a burden than what had already been forced on Fili his entire life?

The bottom line was Thorin refused to believe in the feelings of his heart over the thinkings of his mind. He'd helped raise Fili and Kili, of course, but those feelings were inbred because they were kin. Fili's emotional outpouring and ability to dig his way around, through, and inside Thorin was a different matter altogether.

The company was attempting to get Kili and Bifur out of the bushes where'd they decided to relieve themselves at the very last moment. Fili already sat upon his pony, urging his brother to behave but with the dead give-away hint of amusement curling his lips. That's how Thorin always viewed his nephews; Kili pushing the limits while Fili joined-in in his own way but strived to put boundaries on Kili's spirited behavior when the need arose.

Another thought struck him hard and as he watched his nephews. When he looked at Fili and Kili, he saw two sides to the same coin, two separate bodies, hearts, and minds, but attached together by one all-embracing soul. And if that were the case, how would Fili's _One _fit into the perplexities of his relationship with his brother? And the even harsher reality was whether Thorin could see himself taking away for his own personal gain what little youthful spirit Fili had left.

_o~o~o~o_

Once Bilbo had caught up to the company, coins had been exchanged—unfortunately with Thorin on the losing end—and the hobbit had been set upon his own pony, Thorin finally felt they were truly on their way. He hadn't formed an opinion of their burglar yet, but so far he'd heard of no skills or assets he possessed that would be helpful in the days to come.

With two days riding behind them, Thorin was already bone-weary and slightly downhearted. He'd spent far too much time riding alone, mulling over the road ahead and, of course, Fili. He noted it would be best if he attempted to socialize more with his company during the ride, if for no other reason than to keep his rattling brain steady and busy. He was less likely to drown in his own thoughts if he focused on something else, someone else.

It had turned out to be a wet experience for everyone since they'd encountered more rain than not on their quest thus far. There weren't any outright complaints, but Thorin could tell the lot of them were already weary of the downpour and the uncomfortable sensation of being soaked through to the bone. Bilbo had been gently heckling Gandalf's wizardly abilities when a disturbance at the back of the pack caused everyone to stop and turn.

As Thorin turned to find out just what the was happening, he saw Kili sitting on his backside in the middle of a mud puddle. The other dwarves chuckled, believing it was all just a part of Kili's entertaining personality, but Thorin knew better. The truth was in the lack of amusement on his youngest nephew's face and even more so, the fact Fili was the only dwarf not paying Kili any attention at all.

"Kili! You'll catch your death sitting there like that. Mount up and come to my side. Fili, you and Dwalin ride on ahead. We need somewhere dry to stay for the night."

Fili rode past him without a word, back straight, gaze focused on the road ahead. Dwalin was not so accommodating.

"What's going on? The lad..." Dwalin tilted his head in Fili's direction, "...shoved the other one to the ground. I saw it with my own eyes."

"Carry on, Dwalin. Fili waits ahead."

Dwalin opened his mouth to protest but instead uttered a breathy curse and warning.

"You know I'll do as I'm told, but don't think this issue has been swept under the rug. We've barely begun our journey, Thorin, and if there are things amiss, I believe we should all be informed."

Thorin nodded as Dwalin trotted away. He knew Dwalin was fond of Fili and Kili, had known them most of their lives in fact, hence he was fully aware of their closeness. Whatever Fili's intention had been, Thorin knew it wasn't for him to get noticed by the rest of the company.

Fili preferred to fade into the background, maintain his sense of decorum and respectability. He'd been teased just as much as Kili when they were dwarflings, but not for being too fair of face. The taunts aimed at him had been with regards to Thorin, and more specifically Fili's place as heir apparent. Dwarves could be just as ruthless as men, crueler if the one in their sights was of their own kind.

Fili had been subjected to both dwarf and human cruelties, but only until he'd finally showed his gutless enemies that he could more than adequately take care of himself. He'd always kept a stony face after that, not as trusting as before, and preferring to spend time only with Kili—and Thorin. Attention in a group of dwarves far older than him was definitely not to Fili's liking.

"Uncle," Kili said as he rode up beside Thorin. "I apologize. I must have dozed off and lost my footing with all the rain. I'll be more careful from now on. Might I go ride ahead with Fili now?"

"What did you say to make him strike you?"

Kili's response was immediate and harsh, his large eyes growing to even more epic proportions. "He didn't strike me! Fili would never do that."

Thorin dipped his chin to his chest, gaze straight ahead. He knew Kili would feel the need to explain further if he kept quiet, or in the least, he wouldn't be able to maintain the silence.

A soft growl preceded Kili's reply. "It was just a push. It is wet and I did slip. He meant me no harm."

"Will this behavior continue in the future?"

"No, Uncle. I've learned my lesson."

"Which would be?"

Kili's eyes darkened as he stared into the distance where Fili had disappeared. "My mother would say not to stick my nose in places they do not belong. Fili's lesson is more particular—I'm not to make disparaging comments about you. Might I go join Fili now?"

"It might be best if you gave your brother some space. Ride with Ori for now."

"Yes, Uncle." With a heavy sigh, Kili guided his horse to the back of the pack again.

Thorin was gobsmacked by Kili's confession, but he nodded and dismissed him nonetheless. He'd expected some sort of cheeky remark to explain Fili's usual calm demeanor faltering, but he hadn't expected it to be about him.

_o~o~o~o_

_Fili gritted his teeth, hissing at his brother as he encouraged his horse closer so he would not be overheard. "I'll not discuss this with you any longer, Kili. Have we not spoken of it enough since we left Ered Luin?"_

_With a shake of his head, Kili rolled his eyes and threw up a hand. "How can you say that? The circumstances have surely changed since even a day past. Why do you defend him so righteously when he's not even attempted to show you any kindness?" He tugged at his hood with a disgusted huff._

_"Thorin treats me no different than the rest."_

_"But is that not the point? Should he not treat you differently now? Why won't you let me speak with him? I promise not to push. I just want to help, Fee." _

_Kili reached out to touch his shoulder but Fili pushed him away._

_"No, Kili. He has his honor and pride. Nothing, and no one, can change the way he is, not even questioning, stabbing words from his youngest nephew's spiteful lips. And more importantly, words that are none of his concern."_

_"Honor? You cannot be serious? What honor is there in denying who you are?"_

_"You know nothing of this, Kili. You need to stop."_

_"I know you. I've always known you."_

_"Though I appreciate your support, this is not a matter between brothers."_

_"What about the attack?" _

_Fili could hear the concern in Kili's voice, could feel the compassion wafting off him in the way it always had. He tightened his grip on his reins, dipping his head while he prayed for more patience. "Kili, please."_

_Kili couldn't be stopped, as was usually the case. "Have you told him how you were beaten and stabbed protecting his precious honor yet? Does he know you've already spilled your own blood for him because of his quest for greatness? That you carry the scar for proving once again that you would lay down your life for him?"_

_"It is merely a scratch. You're making far too much of it."_

_"A scratch that required a healer. What is wrong with you, brother?"_

_Fili's patience was wearing thin. "You would have done no different had you been at my side."_

_"Perhaps, but I certainly would not have hid it from Thorin so he didn't have to feel the guilt of a blade cutting through my skin."_

_"There is no need for him to know. What good would come of it, Kili? Let things lie where they may."_

_"He seems to be the one doing all the lying, especially after he bedded you, and now wishes to deny it."_

_"Kili! You'll not speak of him that way. Have some respect, brother."_

_"I respect him as my king, but as my uncle, my respect for him is waning. Perhaps you need to take extreme measures to allow him to see the error of his ways."_

_"What is it you're trying to say?"_

_"If you turn your eyes and love toward someone else, maybe our uncle will pull his head out of his arse, and acknowledge the feelings between you."_

_Fili growled and before he recognized the movement of his own hand, he'd shoved Kili as hard as he could—and afterwards, felt not a drop of guilt about it._


	3. Chapter 3 - Fili's Strength

Fili had ached for Thorin for as long as he could remember. A dull, ever-present pain that clinched around his heart and often made it hard for him to breathe in his uncle's presence once he'd come of age. He'd never spoken to anyone about it because he never understood what his fascination with Thorin really was.

He'd been embarrassed at first—even a young dwarf knew it wasn't common for members of the same family to harbor such strong feelings towards one another, especially not when they were both males. He loved Kili and his mother, but it was a different love than he felt for Thorin, and the realization of what he was feeling made him think there had to be something wrong with him. But as much as he stuffed away the emotional upheaval he felt when Thorin was around away, it never changed the true nature of his feelings.

Since he and Kili had lost their father when they were mere babes, Dis had always made a strong effort to speak of him often through the years. She regaled them with stories of how they met, about his work at the forge and his travels and friendship with Thorin. She spoke of his kindness and his beauty—something she said had been divided between Fili and Kili, with Fili inheriting their father's shining mane of gold, and his brother his dark, soulful eyes.

Over the years, it had been common for Fili to find his mother weeping alone in her room after sharing her memories with him and Kili. The tears rolled soundlessly down her face as she clutched the beads their father had worn in his hair and beard up until the day he died.

She'd never parted with them, the beads always on her person in one way or another for Fili's whole life. At least until the day she insisted that Fili and Kili take them along on their journey for luck. He'd asked her about it once when he was younger—why she carried them everywhere with her—and she'd merely said she liked to keep their father close to her, and that he would understand when he was older. She'd had the same response when he'd questioned her about her tears.

_"One day I hope you to be as truly blessed as your father and I."_

He hadn't understood what being blessed had to do with crying and carrying beads around, and he'd said as much to her.

_"When you find your cherished One, all will be understood. Until then just keep hope inside you that Aule will see fit to grant you that which will make your soul whole and your heart sing."_

It hadn't been until he was older that he truly understood the reasoning behind his mother's words, and the importance of their meaning. Uncle Balin—as they called him then—had been the one to break the news that not all dwarves were lucky enough to find the other half of their heart. Balin himself had never found his _One_ nor felt the tug of even having one waiting for him. At the time Fili had believed that wasn't a bad thing since he'd only witnessed the heartbreak and tears his mother suffered after losing his father, her _One_.

The fates had a strange way of bringing things full circle in an almost unrelenting, cruel way though, and Fili had never felt the sting cut so deep as he did on that night in Bag End. There was a part of him that wished he was that naive younger version of himself again, the dwarf who neither believed nor wished for his _One_ to appear. Things would have surely been different for him had his overpowering love and desire for Thorin been nothing more than a schoolboy crush, perhaps in the way Kili fell in and out of love with a new girl or boy at least once a month, sometimes once a week.

But alas, Fili's heart and soul seemed unable to switch the gears of change inside his head or his chest. Thorin would always be the other half he longed for whether their hearts were joined or not. As it stood, the latter was the inevitable probability, and Fili had to find a way to get past the pain that thrummed inside him because of it.

Kili's overbearing, protective stance wasn't doing Fili any favors either. He believed his brother's bad attitude towards Thorin was meant to be a show of solidarity so Fili couldn't be completely disappointed in Kili. He didn't like that Fili was hurting—understandable considering the closeness they'd always shared.

Kili was stubborn and opinionated when he felt strongly about something, and since he couldn't help Fili with bandages, potions or retaliation, he was trying hard to help in other ways—just not ways that were of an advantage to Fili. He couldn't imagine not having Kili at his side, but as Thorin had said often when they were growing up, at some point they would both have to stand on their own.

Fili smothered the hopeless smile he felt all the way to his toes as he crouched down to search his pack. His fingers wrapped around a small leather pouch, the familiarity warming his insides. He scouted his surroundings for any spying or passing-by dwarves, but found none so he let his grin overwhelm his face as he finally pulled the pouch from his pack and emptied its contents.

His thumb moved carefully over the dull blade, mapping out every tiny knick and imperfection from years of being hauled around. It was only a knife, and a very small one at that. It was big enough to make a young dwarfling's heart soar with excitement and secrecy, but not large enough to damage anything bigger than an insect.

_"This has to be our secret, Fili. If your mother finds out she will probably tan both our hides."_

Fili remembered the moment as if it were just yesterday; the conspiratory grin on Thorin's face as he pressed the knife into Fili's small hand. It had been a late birthday gift, and Fili could never known then that it would become so important to him one day.

Since he'd recognized his love for Thorin, Fili had carried the knife everywhere; in his pocket or his bag or sometimes tucked away inside his sock where it remained warm and soothing for the entire day. It was exactly like his mother had said—it was akin to keeping a small part of Thorin with him. And even though it hadn't been used by his uncle—or worn like his father's beads—it had been forged by Thorin with his own hands especially for Fili.

He supposed it was an unmanly thing to do, some would even argue undwarfly as well since dwarves weren't known for their romantic inclinations. They were monogamous creatures once they settled down, but romance wasn't in abundance in the dwarf community.

Fili had never cared for what the norm was though, had never concerned himself with what others thought or said. He had three important people in his life, and as long as they loved him, all was right with the world. Of course that train of thought brought out other prospects that Fili had been trying to avoid circling his brain. If Thorin didn't love Fili as his _One_, he would still love Fili nonetheless, would he not?

He wasn't sure what he'd do if things never improved between them, if they were unable to return to the reassuring relationship they'd had before Fili confessed his feelings. It had only been a couple days since Fili's heart had been damaged at Bag End, and Thorin had often been gone months at a time without seeing Fili and Kili, but it seemed different now. And if—when—they reclaimed Erebor, Fili wondered if his and Thorin's relationship would dwindle to nothing because Thorin had been so put off by Fili's affections.

It would be the worst thing in the world if Fili became second in command and had to have dealings with Thorin every day, but they were unable to speak civilly or without discomfort with each other. Fili had resigned himself to never committing himself to another, and he had no intentions of even thinking about such a thing, but Thorin would surely find someone to spend his life with. How would Fili handle that? He hoped it would be with respect and dignity, but everything seemed dependent on whether Thorin still loved him as his nephew or had given him up completely.

Bowing his head, Fili stroked his thumb over the full length of the knife before clenching it tightly in his hand. It was a habit he'd used frequently over the years when he needed strength or comfort in dealing with something he had to keep to himself. Kili had never faltered in being a wonderful brother, but there were rare things Fili had never confided in him—his feelings for Thorin being number one on the list, though Kili had eventually figured it out on his own. He doubted his brother had ever understood the depth of his love for Thorin—until the last year, at least.

Their mother had always said Fili was Kili's gentle, quiet strength, but there were days—like the past two—when Fili struggled to find his own purpose and means of staying afloat in the rapidly flowing river that was his heart and emotions. Those were the times that the knife had become his safety blanket.

Fili allowed himself to think the knife held a small part of Thorin, not literally of course, but in a way that was more emotional than physical. It was silly, but even telling himself as much had never quelled his desire to hold it and have it with him. And whether it was brilliantly mad to believe it was Thorin offering Fili his comfort through it or not was of no consequence on how he continued to cling to the gift.

"I trust things are calm between your brother and yourself again?"

Fili's boots scrambled for purchase on the slippery ground that was more mud than dirt, barely saving himself from tipping over and onto his arse when the voice he even heard in his dreams was suddenly upon him. He stuffed the knife in his pocket then stood slowly, composing himself and quieting the stir of panic that settled in his belly.

"Yes," he replied with as much vigor as he could muster. He fought to mask his face in indifference while the muscle in his jaw twitched beneath the surface and stormy emotion hid behind eyes he hoped were innocent of such. "It was just a difference of opinion between brothers. It should not have been carried out where it was. Apologies, Uncle."

Thorin crossed his arms over his chest, his face remaining stony serious and his gaze blazing straight through Fili. Fili had to avert his eyes, fully aware of the likelihood of drowning in Thorin's icy blues. It was not the observation of a dwarf moving forward and on from a situation that was impossible, but one of a heart still crumbling inside its chest and looking for some semblance of hope.

"There's no room for uncivilized behavior here, Fili. We may be a mismatched and misvalued lot, but a cohesive unit we must stay. I cannot have fighting or taunting amongst the company. There will be far enough dissension from others along the way…we do not need it from within, as well."

"I've already apologized, and it was not a fight, merely a mix of words and emotions that got out of hand."

"And landed Kili on his arse."

"I assure you that it won't happen again." Fili struggled to hold Thorin's steely gaze, but there was a small part of him—no doubt fueled by delusion and stubborn denial—that believed there was a renewed softness to Thorin's face, and an edging of emotions ghosting behind his eyes.

He knew wishes and dreams colored things in the wrong way when they became lost and diluted by hard-pressed hope. Emotions muddied the waters of reality in a means of cushioning the heart from the trauma of what truly was. Fili desperately needed to remain in the here and now.

He slid a hand into his pocket, clutching the knife tightly while he passed the discomfort of the situation with the pretense of tapping caked mud from his boots.

Thorin cleared his throat. "You are princes, Fili…heirs to the throne of Erebor and the Durin name. Your behavior must match your standing, and as heir apparent, you need to maintain some sense and decorum."

When Fili could find no words, Thorin frowned then rested a gentle hand on his shoulder. He quickly pulled it back as if he'd been burned. A sudden, overwhelming need for contact almost threw Fili into Thorin's arms at that moment. Only the sharp sting of rejection held him back.

When Fili and Kili had been growing up, Thorin had been very demonstrative and affectionate with them, tender or rough hugs—whichever were needed at the time—arms slung around shoulders. He'd displayed no hesitation in pulling them into his lap had one life crisis or another come screaming down on them, or just to simply show his pride in one of their accomplishments.

Kili's lack of attention and inability to sit still had been far worse while in school, and when Thorin had been around he'd taken an active role in calming Kili's urges and frustrations. His voice had always soothed them both—as well as scared the daylights out of them if he became angry—and Kili had done better under Thorin's guidance.

Thorin had always ensured that Fili had his own time of complete attention, usually in the form of a pep talk, a much needed press of foreheads, or just quiet time between uncle and nephew. Fili had relished those times, and yearned for them when Thorin was away.

When the first signs of puberty hit Fili like a sword to the gut, Thorin's absence had become physically painful. He'd become aggressive and wild for a time—behavior he neither understood nor could explain or control. His mother's wishes and advice had been disregarded, and Kili's very presence ignored or verbally objected to. In general, Fili had lost control of all his senses and with them, his common sense.

The desires of his body became desperate, and without a father figure—or even uncle at the time—he'd believed something was truly wrong with him. Yet he never confided his fears to anyone, instead avoiding his kin and seeking release for what he believed to be a physical deformity in the abusive arms of an older dwarf.

His mother had expressed her concerns about the time he spent away from home, the halt of his school attendance, even going as far as threatening to summon Thorin. Who was to know that was the one thing—the only thing—that could have calmed and soothed the raging hormones and overwhelming emotions that wracked and tormented Fili.

Thorin's return had been nothing if not miraculous in that Fili's symptoms had simply fallen away the moment Thorin was near. Dis had sequestered his uncle upon his arrival while Fili sat outside the door, knees pulled tight to his chest, head and heart reeling and churning in a combination of confusion and relief.

The conversation between brother and sister hadn't taken long, Fili's mother exiting the room behind Thorin, tears trailing down her cheeks. Despite the soothing warmth he felt inside, Fili feared he was in far more trouble than he'd expected.

After taking Dis in his arms and softly kissing her cheek, Thorin turned to Fili, his blue eyes soft with concern, jaw tight beneath his dark stubble. He'd firmly pulled Fili into his arms, then right there in their tiny home in the middle of their even tinier entryway, Fili's heart had shattered in a fiery explosion of understanding and love.

He clung to Thorin, his own tears buried in the soft fur of his uncle's collar, fingers white-knuckled with the force of his desperation. Thorin had murmured words of normalcy and coming of age, but Fili barely listened. All he heard was the pounding of his own heart in a matching rhythm to Thorin's. All he felt was muscled arms holding and soothing him. All he knew was he would love Thorin with everything he was for the rest of his life.

The embrace hadn't lasted long, but since Fili would have been content for it to never end, to never be without Thorin's touch ever again, he hadn't been the best judge of time. Thorin had looked deep into Fili's eyes, his lips curling up into a sweet smile.

_"It appears you are beginning the change from dwarfling to adult. I pray I would have been here to counsel you…I offer my apologies for missing such an important event in your young life. I'm here now, and your mother and I believe a small trip might be in order. Is that agreeable with you?"_

Fili couldn't remember if he'd spoken at all in the next hour after Thorin's return, but they'd set off on their short trip, packs filled to the brim with food and bedrolls. They'd slept under the stars, just him and Thorin. His uncle had spoken of his coming of age at Erebor, of lost kin, of sweet first kisses and confused first times.

Thorin had asked Fili if he had yet sought out any comfort for his physical needs. Fili had paused, the internal workings of his mind filling the air with a heavy silence. He'd come to the realization that the dwarf who had touched him, kissed him, taken him to his bed, had done so in a way that had been wrong—that Fili's inexperience and desperate need had been used against him. Thorin had caught his hesitation though, had urged the tale from Fili's ashamed heart and out into the open.

Rage had overtaken Thorin's face, his skin reddening, eyes turning stormy and enflamed. Fili had fliched back, afraid he was the cause of Thorin's anger. He couldn't have been more wrong. It was the first time he'd seen Thorin cry, the first time the intelligent eyes of his uncle overflowed, the first time Fili saw steely resolve and determination turn vulnerable and fearful.

He'd dragged Fili into his arms again, smothering him against his strong chest while soundless sobs vibrated between them. Thorin spoke of sorrow for what had happened, apologies Fili didn't think needed to be spoken at all, and revenge to be sought post haste.

Thorin had held Fili close from light to darkness and back to light again. He expressed his rage with the disgusting dwarf who had taken advantage of Fili, but assured him he was not at fault.

It was the only time Fili had almost spilled out his heart to Thorin, had nearly confessed how Thorin made him feel inside his heart, inside his head, inside the entirety that was Fili. But he hadn't, still unsure of the true meaning of his love. He wondered now if divulging it then would have saved Fili the heartbreak that was his current life. Perhaps it would have given Thorin a little more time to see and appreciate Fili's true emotional connection and devotion to him.

But Fili knew living in the past was not his path. He was intelligent enough to realize the yearnings of a dwarfling who never outgrew his wishes and longings could not be changed or cast aside. And he would never want that for himself anyhow. His love for Thorin was a part of him, a part that had always made him try harder, strive to be better. Thorin reflected all of Fili's desires, his accomplishments, his hopes and his dreams.

No, Fili wouldn't have had it any other way.

"Fili?"

Peering up into Thorin's squinted blue eyes and having his uncle look at him with such concern blurred Fili's past with his present. He blinked to clear the fog just as Thorin wrapped a hand around his forearm.

"Are you all right? You have the look of...Fili, are you unwell?"

Fili found his voice again in a rush of apologies and embarrassments. "No. My apologies. I seem to have too much on my mind...nothing as to the worries on yours, of course...I'm sorry I'm taking up your time...please excuse me, Thorin..."

Thorin tightened his grip, bringing to mind the smattering of bruises Fili had received at Thorin's hands; bruises well-deserved and thoroughly enjoyed in the heat of passion and need. Fili had given as good as he received, but he'd been proud of the reminders of his and Thorin's couplings.

"You should get some rest. Can't have you falling ill during our journey. Do you wish me to send Oin to look you over? He may have some herbs or—"

Again Fili objected but his heart was light as he basked in the frantic worry Thorin was showering upon him. Of course, he'd more than likely do the same for everyone...

"I promise I'm fine…just a little tired and light-headed. It's my own fault since I haven't eaten yet."

With a slow unclenching of fingers, Thorin released Fili's arm, and Fili felt the loss like ice to bare flesh.

"My intent was to put you and Kili on first watch, but I'll assign that to Bofur and Bifur. Please have your meal and take better care of yourself."

"We can still do our watch, I'm not here to be coddled, Uncle, nor do I expect any special treatment."

"And you'll not receive any. The company does not need you dozing off during your shift. I intended to send Kili and Dwalin hunting in the early hours before we depart. He can rest the night and be more attentive if we proceed in such a way."

"Dwalin? He is a great warrior but not hunter. I always accompany Kili."

"Your brother needs to become more independent, as do you from him."

Confusion blocked all the good feelings Fili had been settling into. "I don't believe that to be the case. Kili has no dependence on me."

Thorin's brow furrowed. "I'm not separating the two of you, merely searching for ways to better everyone's duties, and determine where their strengths lie. You may take last watch with Balin."

Fili's thoughts batted back and forth between speaking what was truly on his mind or merely keeping the peace as had always been the case. Had Thorin's intentions seemed either fair or wise, Fili would have surely held his tongue.

"May I be frank?"

Thorin shifted his stance, crossing his arms over his chest as he squared his shoulders. Fili saw the hint of emotion in his eyes disappear as Thorin reestablished himself from uncle to king. "I encourage it with my men."

"I beg you not to punish Kili for things you hold against me. He may be my brother and your nephew, but he also has great potential to be a warrior."

"You speak of things I am already aware, and I'm not punishing Kili, or you for that matter. My instructions are not of a personal nature. You know I strive to keep the two separate."

"Yes, I do, but we three share more than a professional relationship, Uncle."

"Those ties have no bearing on this journey, Fili. The sooner we all adjust to that fact, the better."

Pain flashed in Fili's palm, the knife tucked in his pocket becoming damp between his fingers. "I understand. May I be the one to give Kili your new instructions?"

Thorin appeared to consider the idea, his body still strong but the tightness of his jaw loosening. "If you wish, but I expect he'll insist on speaking to me anyhow."

"I suspect the same."

With a final nod and rapid blinking of his eyes, Thorin turned away. Fili watched him go, posture-perfect as always, but the softening of his gaze as he appeared about to speak had been unmistakable.

Fili crouched in front of his pack again, his lungs seeking more air than his throat could seem to provide. He felt like he couldn't breathe, the tingle of emotion behind his eyes forcing him to scrub at his face.

He pulled his hand from his pocket, the slickness of the knife telling him what he already knew. The cut wasn't deep and it was beyond Fili's intellectual capacity to understand how such a dull blade could slice through his calloused skin. He swept an old cloth from his pack across the wound, then pressed hard to stop the flow of blood.

It was no more than a scratch, but Kili would have questions—he always had questions. Fili wrapped the cloth tightly around his hand, tucking the end into his sleeve so it would remain in place. Had he not already been ashamed of his behavior, he would have slipped into his bedroll and feigned sleep since he was in no mood to either eat or speak to anyone. But he had responsibilities, just as had always been the case, and despite Thorin's disapproval of the team Fili and Kili considered themselves to be, Fili still believed they were better that way than apart.

After placing the knife back in the leather pouch then into his pack, Fili willed away the useless memories of Thorin and forced himself to his feet. He would eat his meal with his new dwarf brothers, speak to Kili in the most reasonable way possible, then carry out the rest of Thorin's wishes. He'd do as he was told, would obey and accept what needed to be done and what he needed do—but he certainly wouldn't like it.

oOoOoOoOo

They had both just tucked themselves into their bedrolls, the night air chilly as they pressed their backs together for warmth. Fili had broken the news of Thorin's wishes while they are around the fire with the slim hope Kili wouldn't overreact if others were around. He'd been correct, at least until they left the warmth of the fire.

"You instruct me to not act in a juvenile manner, yet is that not exactly what he is doing in forcing our separation?"

"That's not his intention, at least not in the way you're thinking."

"You don't believe that. I can read your heart in your eyes despite your attempt to shut me out."

"My beliefs or wishes are not important, Kili, at least not in this situation. Thorin is our leader, and it is our job to follow him. He has experience and intelligence, and neither of us will give him any reason to be disappointed. Do you understand what I am saying?"

"I understand you are defending actions that you otherwise would question had it been anyone else."

Fili sighed, pulling his blanket tighter around him. He pressed the palm of his hand to his thigh, the biting pain of his cut soothing his overtired mind. "Please, brother. Can you just make the attempt? If not out of duty or kinship, then for me?"

He felt Kili shift against him, the second, larger blanket they were sharing pulling away from Fili. Kili settled down again, the tip of his nose pressing into Fili's neck, his bursts of breath warming Fili's skin.

"It is not my intention to disappoint or disobey...usually, but I feel anger towards him that I don't quite understand. Do you not feel the same, Fee?"

Reaching behind his back, Fili secured one of Kili's hands between his own. He hauled Kili closer, bringing his hand and arm over himself then pressing their hands to his chest.

"I feel that and so much more."

A soft hush fell over the brothers and Fili let his eyes slip closed, happy to have the darkness take him.

"Is he your _One_ without doubt?" Kili had obviously not finished.

"You know he is."

With a sigh, Kili pressed his forehead to Fili's shoulder. "And did mother not speak often to us about finding our father and the love that bound them, that still binds her to him, because they were _One_ with each other."

"Of course."

"Then how is it that Thorin can deny you if you are really his _One_?"

That was the biggest question Fili had been struggling with—without resolution.

"I can't answer that. Life isn't always fair or predictable. As in anything else, there might be a discrepancy between the feelings of one soul mate to the other."

Fili just wanted to sleep, just forget his heart, his pain—forget Thorin for only a few hours.

Kili's voice was softer, filled with emotion. "Did he tell you he loved you when we were in Ered Luin?"

"Kili."

"Answer me, brother. I promise to dismiss the subject if you just offer me the truth."

"I am and have always been truthful with you. And your claim of dismissal is certainly not believable."

"I'll drop it for now then. I swear to Aule. Did he confess his love?"

After swallowing past the lump in his throat, Fili barely recognized the hoarse murmur of his voice. "Yes...he did."

"Was it simply during a moment of passion?"

"I thought we were dropping the subject now. It's late, Kili—"

"It's all part of the same question so what I said doesn't count until we're done."

"Then in the spirit of you breaking your word, I humbly decline to answer your question as I see no purpose to it."

Kili poked Fili in the chest and knocked their heads together. Had he always been such a persistent pest? Fili definitely did not need anyone else to answer that question.

"I shall just assume I'm right then. It is told that speaking words of love during those moments is common, but more likely than not, involves no honesty."

_Oh, for the love of Aule!_ "Who have you been talking to?"

"Bofur among others. No specifics, brother, just casual words between friends. Though I quite like Bofur." Kili paused and Fili wasn't sure he wanted to know exactly what he was getting at.

"So Thorin loves you when he lies with you? That's no testament of love at all."

Fili's brain exploded or maybe it was his heart—when Thorin was around Fili often found it hard to tell the difference. He didn't know what it was or where it came from, except it swept a rolling anger through his body. He struggled out from under Kili's arm, then shoved himself to a sitting position.

"It was not only at those times! You're stepping far to close to being over the line of respectability and privacy, Kili."

"I didn't know there was such a line between us." Kili's eyes were nearly as black as the darkness that surrounded them. Fili could just make out the purse of his lips and determination of his gaze under the light of the half moon.

"Gods!" Fili threaded his clothed hand over his disheveled hair. "I prefer you when you run amuck and I have to reel you in, to this over-concerned brother act."

"I'm always concerned."

Fili's heart softened and slowed. "I didn't mean it that way."

"Do you need me to look at your hand?" Kili wrapped his fingers around Fili's wrist, thumb brushing over the dried blood on the outside of the cloth.

"No. It's just a scratch."

Kili ignored Fili's claim. He unwrapped the length of material and tossed it to the ground beside him. "Did it happen because of him? Do you still carry his gift?"

"How do you know that? Thorin is not responsible…"

Fili's words trailed off as he watched Kili reach behind his back, grabbing something from his pack as Fili simply remained still. It wasn't the first time one if them had tended to the other's injuries, and surely it wouldn't be the last. Kili's attention and touch was a soothing breath across the wrecked recesses of Fili's mind.

He found himself staring in Thorin's direction as his uncle lay to the left of the fire. His eyes were open, his focus appearing to be on Fili until he snapped them closed. Fili flinched when cool liquid dribbled over his palm.

Kili poured a few more drops of water over Fili's cut, dabbing it with a clean tunic from his pack then wrapping a clean strip of the same fabric around Fili's hand.

"I was always jealous of that knife. I even snuck it away a few times to play with it."

"You did? It's nothing more than a trinket really."

"Trinkets don't slice into your skin."

"It's nothing, Kee. And I don't believe Thorin would have trusted you with a knife at such a young age."

Kili laughed softly. It was a peaceful sound to Fili's ears after a long, stressful day. "He was probably right, but he did make me my first bow once I'd begged him for weeks to do so."

"That he did." Fili said. He flexed his arm, checking to be sure the makeshift bandage wouldn't come loose during the night. "Can we sleep now? Dawn will be here soon."

With a nod, Kili returned his canteen to his pack and settled onto his back, pulling the blankets up to his chin. "You still feel the same for him despite—"

"I'm sure I always will. I'm just…I just need you to let me handle this in the only way I know how."

"Even if it means living with a broken heart?"

Fili twisted so he faced his brother. "Yes, even then. Dying from a broken heart is only a legend. I think I'll learn to live with it, and the pain will lessen."

Kili turned his head, his smile sweet but sad under the moonlight. "Then you have my permission to use my shoulder, my arms and my heart whenever you need them."

Fili reached over and tucked Kili's unruly locks behind his ear. "And I am grateful for all of you. Can we sleep now?"

Yes," Kili said. He flipped so his back was to Fili. "Before our king is yelling at us again."

"Kili."

"Teasing, brother. Are you still going to keep me warm or will you let me freeze to death?"

Fili flicked Kili on the top of the head, then wrapped an arm around his waist and snuggled in closer. "I don't believe warriors are suppose to cuddle."

"But we've not seen battle yet so it doesn't count."

"You always have an answer, don't you?"

Kili laughed before a yawn rattled his body and he pushed a little closer to Fili. "Sleep well. Perhaps tomorrow will bring more brightness into your life."

"I always have you to light up my day, Kee."


	4. Chapter 4 - Opinions

Thorin's morning had started with the appearance of a Kili he hadn't seen much of since he was a dwarfling—headstrong, persistent and glaring. It also began with a mostly-destroyed bird being tossed at Thorin's feet.

"Unc-Thorin, might I have a word with you?"

Kili's eyes were closer to black than brown as he stood arms crossed with his bow and quivers slung over one shoulder. Thorin snuck a peek around him just in time to see Dwalin shake his head and curse under his breath. Now what had the boy done? He stepped carefully over the desecrated fowl before answering.

"Of course, Kili. How did the hunt go?"

"Well, if you can split that measly bird into fourteen portions, then I believe it was a success."

Thorin could see how much Kili was reeling himself in by the clenched set of jaw and the firm planting of his feet. Kili was always in motion in one way or another, and to have him stand in complete stillness for any length of time was a definite hint that there was trouble brewing. He had known the lad all his life after all, and despite Kili being a lot of very fine things, a good actor he was not.

"It didn't go well then?"

He wasn't trying to goad Kili, really he wasn't but...well, perhaps he was just a little. And truth be told, he had been expecting Kili to seek him out with regards to the change in duties for he and Fili as soon as his brother had broken the news. That the lad had been able to contain himself for so long was a mystery in itself, but also showed a new maturity in Kili, as well.

Kili expressed his lack of approval of Thorin's tactics with the flaring of his nostrils and a strong hiss. "It would have gone fine, just as it always does, had I been accompanied by someone who didn't walk like a troll out for a stroll."

"A rhyme…how amusing. I never took you for a poet, Kili." Thorin didn't try to smother the smirk that curled his lips. "I trust Dwalin is the troll of which you speak?"

"Surely you did not expect me to take down anything bigger than that…" Kili paused to dramatically thrust his hand at the bird behind Thorin. "Not after you switched him for Fili."

"I didn't realize you had a problem with Dwalin."

"A problem with…" Kili's growl was followed by a stiff shuffling of his feet. "I don't have a problem with him when he's not scaring off all my prey with his constant complaining and fumbling around." His face was a light shade of red by the time he'd hissed out the entirety of his words, the sheer intensity in how he tightly balled up his hands at his sides clearly showing his temper was on a short leash.

"Dwalin is a honed warrior, Kili. I don't believe a little hunt for game is a major endeavor for him. If you couldn't bring anything back it's best to just say so rather than making excuses."

Thorin wasn't entirely sure Kili's head would _not_ just pop off with the exertion he was putting into his well-practiced glare. He couldn't help being amused even though his nephew was clearly and determinedly struggling to control himself.

"There was game to be had, _Uncle_, but your seasoned warrior saw to it that it all ran in the opposite direction."

"Is your bow out of alignment, sister-son?"

"Is my bow…Thorin!" He watched as Kili swiveled his head in both directions. "My bow is as fine as my aim…which is…fine…as well."

It pained Thorin that he'd slunk so low into the cluttered pain in his heart that seeing his nephew squirm made him feel just a tad better. "You look nervous. Did you not sleep well last night?"

"I'm not nervous. Why would I be nervous? I'm just…just…Aule's alive…I'm just upset that you put Fili on watch with Balin and gave me Dwalin to _not hunt_ with."

"Did Fili ask you to speak with—"

"No!" Kili's voice heightened to a higher octave as he cut off Thorin's words. "No," he repeated as he returned to his former register. "He would never ask me to do that."

"Then he is not the true meaning behind your upset?"

"Perhaps a little…but you aren't going to tell him I spoke to you…in this way, are you?"

"Is there a reason I should not?"

"No…of course not. I just don't want him…" Kili sighed, all his bluster seemingly deflated.

Thorin urged him along. "Want him to what?"

Kili sighed heavily. "He'll be angry if he knows I…spoke out of turn."

"He's not prone to anger though, is he? And is that what you're doing…speaking out of turn?"

"Not on purpose. I just don't understand why you had to change the way things were. Fili and I are a team. We work together well."

"But you won't always have the other to lean on, Kili."

"I am well versed in that fact, but I'd prefer to handle it when the time actually comes along, if you wouldn't mind taking it into consideration."

It was almost laughable how respecting Kili was trying to be, and had Thorin really needed a little more amusement in his day, he would have kept up his banter just to see his bright, confident nephew squirm a little more. But that would also make him a bastard, and Kili looked miserable enough already—plus, Thorin loved the lad dearly.

"Duly noted. I'll think about your request."

"Thank you."

With a slight bow, Kili turned away only to twist back around. "Thorin?"

"Yes."

"You know he'll always love you, and you could do no better than have him as yours?"

Thorin sighed. _The truth shall set you free, Kili._ "Would he encourage you to speak on his behalf?"

Kili shook his head, dipping his expressive eyes to the ground with a matching sigh to Thorin's. "No, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell him…if that's at all possible."

"You came to me as your king, did you not?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then what is said by a leader and his men stays between them."

"Thank you. I'll just go…do something…" Kili spun around again, his downtrodden figure too much for Thorin to bear.

"Kili," Thorin called out. Kili stopped in his tracks. "I know and believe what you said to be true. Thank you."

Without another word, Kili made his way to Fili while Thorin watched him retreat. He finally had to force his gaze from his nephews—at least one in particular when he realized he was staring far too hard.

oOoOo

Once they'd packed up camp, the company set out again with Thorin at the helm and Gandalf nattering effortlessly—endlessly—at his side. He noticed Fili and Kili had parted ways once they mounted their ponies—Fili riding alongside Ori while Kili stayed close to Bofur. They wore a matching looks of disapproval and uneasiness, but remained silent and apart as they rode.

Thorin missed the mischievous banter that had always accompanied him and his nephews when they'd gone on their own little excursions, though the circumstances were, of course, not the least bit similar. He'd relished the time he spent with them as if they'd been from his own loins, but the idea of having any dwarflings of his own had never been one that appealed to him.

In fact, if he had at all considered the idea, it had merely been for the sake of producing an heir and not out of want to be a father. He assumed Fili and Kili had simply filled that piece of him, had been as close to fatherhood as Thorin had needed. But now he wondered if his heart hadn't already been trying to tell him something about his destiny—or what could be his destiny if he chose to accept it…his _One_—Fili. Perhaps he hadn't longed for an heir of his own because his soul knew his fated one was indeed male so he had no need to plan a family.

There had been talk around Ered Luin—there was always talk—about the line of Durin dying out, and with regards to Thorin's supposed inability to satisfy any dwarf woman enough to court and marry, and hence provide an heir to the throne of Erebor. But Thorin had never been much for talk or innuendo, despite the occasional nagging session from his own sister on the subject.

After a few hours, Gandalf fell back to speak with Bilbo and was quickly replaced by Balin. His old friend nodded civilly at him before stroking his beard and squinting his eyes at Thorin.

Thorin glanced back suspiciously. He knew the twinkle in Balin's eye like it was the back of his hand. His old friend was up to something. "You have something to say?"

"Can't old friends simply ride in companionship without any ulterior motives?" Balin tried to slip Thorin an innocent grin, but to no avail. The twinkle in his eye was a dead giveaway.

"Not recently."

Balin laughed and Thorin was forced to surrender at least a little of his sour disposition. "Did you have any problems on watch this morning?"

"With Fili, you mean?"

"Not specifically, no."

"Sure about that?"

"What happened to quiet companionship?"

"You began the conversation, _my king_."

Thorin snorted out a chuckle, gazing with open affection at Balin. "There's always something on your mind when you bring out the king card."

"I may have noticed the boys aren't riding together, as well as the hangdog looks on their faces. Your responsibility, I assume?"

With a sweep of his hand, Thorin shook his head. "Not at all. I simply told them their duties would be performed with others rather than each other. I never spoke yay or nay about riding together."

Balin arched an eyebrow and pointed a thumb behind over his shoulder. "Kili has the look of a very angry Orc about him, and it's aimed right at your back."

"As long as he doesn't aim his bow as well, I think I'll be fine."

With another laugh, Balin faced forward again, one hand still tangled in his beard. It was a habit Thorin was well-versed in with his old friend. He had more to say, but Thorin beat him to the punch.

"It was my intention to speak with you and Dwalin with regards to something Dain confided to me when I visited the Iron Hills. I don't want to alarm the rest of the company on suspicion and second-hand information alone. It also has more to do with my nephews and I than the company itself."

Balin tutted and shook his head. "Aye, that company of which you speak is family now, Thorin. If it's a threat against you or the boys, it's a threat against us all."

Thorin nodded, stretching an arm to pat Balin on the shoulder. "Dualy noted."

"Well then tell me. What did Dain have to say after he cowarded out of our journey?"

"Balin," Thorin warned, smirking when Balin didn't bat an eye at his reprimand. He, Balin and Dwalin had been through everything together, and the brothers did not shy away from reminding Thorin of that very fact.

"Dain informed me that a small group of his people came to him insisting he rise up against his Durin cousins in order that we would not be able to reclaim Erebor and her riches. They sought a chance to do so themselves—even if it was done by force."

Balin tsked a couple of times before he replied. "And you believe him then?"

"I have no reason not to. We have not always been on the best of terms, but he is still kin. It is more than just us who have mourned the loss this sixty years, and I believe the attraction of gold is more the bounty than Erebor herself."

"Aye, I'm with you there. And what did he do about these detractors?"

"Nothing." Thorin shook his head, unhappy with his own answer. "They disappeared before anything could be done, and Dain wasn't positive there was an actual threat."

"But you are?"

Thorin snuck a peek over his shoulder, his eyes unwittedly meeting Fili's. Fili smiled sadly then shifted his gaze. "It's been troubling me since I left the Iron Hills. I fear Fili and Kili would be a worthy target, more worthy than I."

"No, that I don't believe, though Fili would be a good guess since he is still young and first in succession. They'd just be best to do away with the whole lot of you."

An involuntary snort rolled from between Thorin's lips. "Thank you, Balin. Much appreciated."

Balin huffed out a laugh. "Don't get your knickers in a knot. You and your princes are never alone, and those boys of yours are fighters. None of you will come to any harm as long as we're all together, but perhaps you best keep a closer eye on Fili."

Thorin accidentally pulled up on his reins. Minty whinnied her reply then thrust her head up, knocking Thorin off balance and nearly tumbling him to his arse on the ground,

"Steady, lad." Balin offered his hand, but Thorin righted himself again in no time.

He peered out of one eye at the smirk on Balin's face. "Fili? I've no idea what you—"

"Did we not already debate the subject of old fools? You've been the only one in that lad's eye since he was old enough to think, and fighting it will do you both no good in the greater scheme of things."

"How did you—" Balin's grin widened, his old eyes crinkling up with amusement. "Balin, I swear, if you so much as breathe a word of..."

"How I knew is because I haven't always been blind as a bat, and why would I tell a soul? It's not been confirmed except in the mind of an old dwarf who needs a reading glass to perform his duties. You can view my words as hypothetical at best, or simply mad rumblings at worst."

"Thank you."

His hope was that Balin would drop the conversation so he could ride in silence and attempt to calm the rapid pounding of his heart. Hopes rarely saw fit to come true.

"I cannot believe you never saw through the lad before. For as far back as I can remember, Fili has looked at no one but you. How on earth did you finally see it?"

Thorin considered ordering Balin to the back of the pack, a seemingly easy solution to an answer he did not wish to give. Of course, short of Thorin wrangling him back there himself, Balin would no doubt just remain where he was anyhow.

"I spent eight months in Ered Luin this past year."

"Aye, with Fili?"

Denial or even hesitation seemed futile. "Yes, now can we just drop—"

"The lad catch you off guard, did he?"

"Balin…"

"And you just happened to allow him to do so."

Thorin tightened his hold in his reins. "I did not allow—"

"You said no then?"

"No."

"Would that be a no to you said no, or no to what Fili said?"

"Mahal's bollocks, Balin! I said yes. Is that what you wish to hear?" Thorin paused, his heart trembling as he relived the moment of shock and indecision, and just how easy it had been to accept Fili's claim.

Balin tutted his tongue before reaching a hand to pat Thorin again. "You honestly never knew until you came to be in Ered Luin this last time?"

Balin had lost the broad smile, replaced by a familiar look that Thorin recognized after so many years—concern and support. Perhaps it was time to speak the truth to someone else. Thorin gently shook his head, purposely examining the trail ahead so Balin couldn't divest the true emotion behind his answer.

"No. I never had reason to consider it so it is obviously not where my true feelings lie."

Balin huffed about a breath. "Nay, I don't believe that. My cousin didn't know his nephew was his _One_ until the boy confessed it. Same with the barkeep at the old pub I frequented. He's very happy with his nephew, but as the boy was growing up he had no idea there was more than love for kin in his heart. Perhaps, it's just one of the ways a cherished coupling works."

"That's not what I wanted to hear…and you have no proof to even propose such a thing."

"Why? Because it doesn't suit you? Would you prefer I coddle your misguided thoughts and righteous indignation as if I were only a sheep in the middle of your flock?"

"You know that is not my wish, old friend."

"Then take my words for what they are, Thorin. Perhaps they'll supply you with some hope for your pained heart."

"My heart is not pained."

Balin shrugged a shoulder then snuck a peek behind him. Thorin suspected he was gazing at Fili.

"Aye, you can go on denying what should be the best feeling in your life, better than all the gold in Erebor or the weight of a crown encircling your head. But that won't make it not so."

"It's not as simple as you may think."

"No, I don't believe it is, but I'm envious of anyone who has been given such a blessing in their life. I'd not be here if I had a love so strong to stow my heart away in."

"I believe you would still be at my side." Thorin chuckled and Balin quickly joined in.

"Aye, maybe. But I would have been harder to convince."

Thorin paused, thoughts bouncing off the walls of his skull as he sought to form his emotions into words. He knew Balin would never pass judgment on anything he said, but that didn't mean the words simply tumbled out without justification.

"If the feeling has developed so fast for me, there is also chance it will wane inside Fili until it's no longer prevalent or necessary."

"That sentence doesn't have a lick of logic, and even if it did I wouldn't believe it, and neither do you. Not after the boy has been true and devoted to you his whole life.

"I was not his first."

Balin reached over and cuffed Thorin behind the ear. "Now you're just being difficult. You know the slapping of flesh is not that of which I speak."

Thorin tried not to look shocked as he ignored the Balin's crude comment. It wasn't at all like Balin to be so direct, but he did seem a little hyped up over the conversation. "He's too young."

"Bollocks. If he's old enough to ride on this journey, not to mention do something as adult as confessing his feelings to a dwarf who practically raised him, and without knowledge of whether those feelings would be returned, then he's old enough to be with whom he loves."

Thorin shook his head indignantly. He wondered if respecting his elders had to include those who were old—and often annoying—friends. Perhaps kings were exempt altogether. "Taking him as my own will only put him in more danger. It will also force him into a relationship with an older, self-focused member of his own family, thus not allowing him to make his way out into the world on his own."

"As you said, you were not Fili's first, and the danger follows him wherever he goes with the name of Durin stamped across his forehead."

"I am not the match Fili needs."

"Having a beloved is not representative of matching physical attributes or even social standing. It's about love, Thorin. It's about feeling whole where you've always felt needing. Do you feel that? Do you feel Fili filling the missing piece in your heart?"

Thorin sighed long, heavy, while he dipped his head for a moment. There was an uncomfortable burning of tears behind his eyes, a tingling of emotion in his throat, an ache of want pulsing strong in his heart. Or perhaps all his symptoms were simply part of the realization of Balin's truth.

He felt like a dwarfling being reprimanded. Was that how he'd made Fili feel with his lecture at Bag End? "Perhaps we will have a private chat tonight when there is more…privacy."

Balin nodded. "I shall prepare myself for the river of denial."

"Old friend, you shall never truly be old with that gem-encased mind of yours."

"So be it." Balin fell back, leaving Thorin alone with his thoughts.

oOoOo

Thorin was both impressed and downhearted by his nephews' efforts to please him and be dutiful. But truth be told, he missed the mischievous side to Fili and Kili's characters—mostly Kili's since he'd been the one to cause the most unrest and entertainment when he was in full-on Kili mode. Thorin could see he was striving hard to fulfill his new role of adulthood, and though a case could be drawn that Thorin had wanted to see exactly that purpose from his youngest nephew, in his heart of hearts he mourned the passing of the fiery, disheveled youngster Kili had been.

He was obviously still disheveled with his lack of braids and hair always in a tousle, and the fire still raged behind the deep brown of his eyes, but the old Kili would not have given up so easily with the outcome of Thorin's decision. The Kili of his youth would have held his ground and argued his points until he was out of breath, or until Fili had to drag him kicking and screaming away before Thorin threatened for the last time to tan his behind. His respect and hesitation in addressing the issue had obviously been a direct courtesy to Fili and his urging of decorum.

And Fili…Thorin missed him in a totally unrelated way, both the Fili of old with his easy smile and agreeable attitude, and the Fili of the past year with his passion and certainty. Thorin had fought to keep their coupling from his mind, turning it instead to all the reasons why their relationship should not even be considered. But he'd lost the battle the moment they'd set off from Bag End, the moment Fili had stepped away from Thorin's touch. The realization of just how far Fili had burrowed under his skin and set up camp in his heart wasn't an easy one, nor did it change the stubborn set of Thorin's mind.

He told himself the feelings would pass, that he wouldn't feel so lonely and restless once the facts settled into his heart, thus replacing Fili's presence there, or at the least making it less painful. He was a strong dwarf, the unfortunate events of his life had sought to make him that way and succeeded in every aspect—except the yearning for Fili's love.

Thorin wasn't entirely sure what he'd expected to happen when he came face-to-face with Fili at Bag End. He supposed he hadn't really thought about it much in light of all the other things weighing heavily on his mind. There certainly had been no preconceived plan of pushing Fili away or planting such a deep wedge between them—because he honestly hadn't expected Fili's eyes to be so filled with love, let alone his every breath striking a chord straight to Thorin's heart.

It was juvenile really, to have believed Fili's assertion that Thorin was his _One_ would just blow away with the breeze once they were no longer together. And he'd hadn't thought that way because he didn't believe the words that had poured from Fili's heart—because he most assuredly did—but perhaps a desire to not believe…no, to not want them to be truthful had been set in motion the moment he left Fili behind in Ered Luin.

Disappointing his oldest nephew had always been like a thorn in Thorin's paw since Fili had forever been patient and forgiving, even as a young dwarf. He hadn't been perfect by any means, but Thorin had long believed Fili to have an old soul full of wisdom beyond his years. Why those thoughts and more with regard to Fili had never alerted Thorin to his true feelings toward him was something he could not explain.

Thorin was eternally grateful that Fili had Kili at his side, defending his honor despite not wanting or needing the gesture. His steely hope was in believing if he continued to tell himself not to love Fili—to simply stay focused on what needed to be done—that eventually his heart would stop encouraging him to look inside its walls for the truth. Unfortunately, after only two days with Fili so close he could taste him, Thorin's thoughts were on little else but Fili. He feared the stubbornness of his heart would continue to make moot the logic he preferred to have spinning inside his brain—as well as all the arguments and excuses he made up to try to tamp down his true feelings.

Memories of them together had become a constant fixture in Thorin's mind, sitting uncomfortably alongside the so-called logic that was supposed to be keeping it away. Even the knowledge that now would be the worst time to make such an important decision didn't distract the steely course of his heart with Fili at its helm. Perhaps Balin was right. Perhaps Thorin needed to view Fili more as an adult who could make his own choices and decisions, rather than the golden-haired dwarfling who followed his uncle around. If anyone should know the maturity level Fili had reached, it was Thorin.

He moved to sit against the rocks, tilting his head back and letting his weary eyes slip closed. It's wasn't a matter to be solved overnight or in some quick thrust of frustration, but maybe the solution did lie in Thorin's view of Fili now as opposed to when he was young. It was something to be mulled over in the least. Thorin figured he owed Fili that much and more since he'd been trying so hard to be respecting and responsible.

As he settled himself more comfortably against the stone, Thorin realized he had somehow turned his own mind—with Balin's help, of course—to that which had seemed utterly implausible and impossible before. Or perhaps seeing Fili in the new light of responsibility and honor had changed his mind for the better.

At least that's what Thorin believed until he next opened his eyes to hear the worried voice of the hobbit.


End file.
